Be Nice.

A quick lovelymanners post today.  I heard a comment the other day that struck me.  It was when CIA Director, Leon Panetta, was named Obama's nominee for Defense Secretary (this was before the Osama assasination).  An interesting comment was made about Panetta and why people like to work for him.


"He expects respect from the people who work for him -
because he gives respect to the people who work for him."

And that's the crux of it! That's what manners are - they are not tired, irrelevant, elitist rules only applicable to days gone by. They are action-oriented behaviors that outwardly express courtesy and respect to friends, family, co-workers, and complete strangers.

BE NICE.  It's really not that hard.

"Mobile Misfits"

The surprise on the waiter's face when he walked up to our table, and suddenly, I popped up from under the tablecloth! OK, I was caught - and so embarrassed!  "But I thought it was nicer than talking at the table and I didn't know what to do!" I said. "It's a LOT better than what I usually see," he remarked with a smile.

So, yes, it's being talked about everywhere now - and I am guilty too.  It was in the NYT this past Sunday, it's discussed in

I'm "OK" with Bread Plates and Drinks

When you sit down at the table, do you often look and think, "Whose bread plate is whose....I can't remember how this works." And, "whose glass is whose?"   Well, here's a really easy way to remember.  I learned this little trick in my training (for those of you who know me, no, it is NOT the napkin trick) and it is one of the things that will ALWAYS stick with me now - I hope it helps you too!  I know it's helped some of my friends with whom I've recently dined!

What Exactly is a Spoon For?

Being on a family vacation and eating in restaurants during almost every meal gives me the ability to spend much more time watching my two boys' table manners - I'm not cooking and doing kitchen duty, so I have much more time to watch what they're doing.  The crazy thing is that I realized I became obsessed this week with a most mundane thing - the Spoon!

At one point, one of my boys ordered spaghetti, and a spoon arrived in his bowl of pasta.  The next thing I saw was my son trying to eat spaghetti with the spoon!  When I asked what he thought he was doing (quietly), he told me that a spoon had arrived in his bowl, so he assumed that he was supposed to use it to eat the dish.  So, I immediately reminded him about our placemats which teach "Twirl your pasta with your fork on a spoon" to make it bite-sized.  When he realized what I was talking about, he knew exactly what to do....but seeing him trying to initially eat spaghetti with a spoon cracked me up!

Duke Girls Search Austin for Best Manners

I spent this weekend in Austin visiting a college friend with five of my other Duke girlfriends. We happened upon a situation which we unanimously voted as "the best manners we encountered all weekend".

It's hard to accept a compliment, isn't it?  But once a day, or once a week, we're paid a compliment and what do we do?  We say, "Oh, not really....." or  "Thank you,

but.......".   The appropriate way to

accept a compliment is to do so with the same kindness used to give you the compliment. Accept it Graciously.

Here's our story:

We were in a very large dressing room - in a kind of

Breaking Bread

A short posting this week.

Some technical glitches came up with printing the first run of the lovelymanners placemats this weekend.  I want them to be PERFECT, so I pulled the job late Saturday night and will continue once we figure out how to fix what was going on.  A great Saturday night I had I have to say -  sitting in a room at a printing company in North Carolina!  I had plenty of time to proofread our copy again for the umpteenth time, and reading one of our manners reminded me of something I had seen earlier in the weekend.

When you are out in a restaurant - or even at home - do you

Elevator Behavior Matters to Most Women!

This past weekend I was at my home-away-from-home. Well, I guess my second home-away-from-home because Asheville would be first. But Vail runs a close second.  We've joined a club in Vail allowing us easy access on and off the slopes with all of our equipment, a place to eat and rest, and a place to store everything during the off-season.  It's a nice club and seems to have very nice and polite people who have joined from all over the country.  The club has rules as any club does - no cell phones, respect people around you by not talking too loudly - they even have fur-lined Crocs to put on when you take off your ski boots because they don't want people walking around in their socks (that have been in their ski boots all day!)  The rules and the people seem so courteous to me that I could not believe the lack of thoughtful consideration when people were on the elevator!  But sometimes what you expect and teach your family is not what other people do.  I thought I would tell you the "Elevator Rules" we've agreed to as a family (grandma and grandpa have helped us come up with and teach these rules to our boys as well.)

Let me begin by explaining the elevator in question.  There is just one elevator that goes between two floors in the club.  If you want to get down to the locker room, you must ride the elevator from the main floor down.  Likewise, you must ride it back up again to the main floor.  I carefully watched my boys this weekend to see if they were following what I've taught them is "proper elevator exiting".  I know that this is not exactly what the Emily Post people teach these days - there is a lot of gender neutrality people have to worry about and the Emily Post people say that in these modern days, the person closest to the door exits first.  But I was brought up, and I am bringing my boys up (including my husband), to follow the old-school ways because it shows courtesy and consideration.

Our Family Elevator Rules:
First, wait for the people IN the elevator to exit - which means don't block the door when the elevator door opens because most likely people need to get out - and you should allow them to do that instead of  pushing your way in first.  Then, if the elevator looks like it is going to be crowded, the first people in line to enter the elevator should obviously go in.  But if it looks like there will be plenty of room in the elevator it is a kind gesture for a male to say, "After you" and let the females enter first.

Secondly, when we exit the elevator we've taught our boys "The Exit Order."  My sons know that this means they are pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole, but they see how kindly people look at them and appreciate their good manners - and it makes them feel good - I've never heard them complain.  It has become second nature to them.  The Exit Order:
1) An elderly or handicapped person should be allowed off the elevator first.
2)  Then allow any woman of any age off the elevator - it is kind for younger girls to allow older women to go ahead of them.
3) Then older gentleman exit.
4) Finally young men exit.

Whenever a man lets me exit first I always make sure to say, "thank you" so that he hears me. Nothing helps more than to reinforce those good manners! :)  And when it's a young man, I say, "What nice manners you have. Thank you."

That didn't happen at all this past weekend except the times I was in the elevator alone with my Dad, husband, or boys.  And one other time, a very nice gentleman let me off first.  Only once all weekend!  The rest of my visit - over four days in and out of that elevator -  men, whom you think would know better, just walked off without any acknowledgement.

Yes, it's old school. But to me, it's a matter of common courtesy and respect that underlies all manners - I do think most women like to be treated with this kind of elevator courtesy. And, men, if you're worried that you might offend a woman with this chivalrous behavior, you can extend the offer and say, "After you."  If she insists that you go first, then you should go ahead and exit.

Thank you. No, Thank YOU. No, THANK YOU!

My girlfriends helped write my blog this week by giving me questions they had about thank you's and emails - I've researched everything and below are the answers.  (And, if you have, by chance, been to a dinner party at my house in the last week, this is NOT FOR YOU!  How awkward!  I am asking you all NOT to write a thank you, OK? :) )

Q: Is email an accepted form of a thank you?
A: When someone gives you a present, or....when you are a houseguest at someone's home (with the exception of a kids' sleepover), or.....when you've

How to "Weather" the Weather - with Consideration!

Yes, this is the back of my really dirty car!  I know , I know - I don't ever go to the car wash so I should not own a white car!  What I'm showing you is clearly not how much I loathe going to the car wash - it's my bumper sticker.

It's a one-of-a-kind....or I should say a two-of-a-kind.  My Mom had two of them custom-made on a website....and sent me one. So there is one driving around Asheville and one driving around Greenwich.  We both get so many comments, I can't even begin to tell you. People love it and always ask where I got it. I should probably start selling them on my website with the placemats!

I said I planned to blog about real-life experiences - so this week, I wanted to talk about the importance of a specific behavioral trait - being nice.  Emily Post placed emphasis in her 700+ page book, Etiquette, on a person's  "instinctive

Questions Answered

A lot of people have asked lovelymanners several questions this week, so I thought this would be a good time to start answering them.  One of the first questions someone had was about eating soup - so before I answer I had to share one of my favorite videos that I love showing to kids when I start my Table Manners workshops - watch this one:



So finishing the question about soup.....spooning the soup away from you may seem strange - but that's the right way to do it.  It's actually not as easy to spill any in your lap when you do it that way.  And surprisingly, it IS ok to get that last little bit by tipping the bowl toward you for those last few drops - just remember to keep spooning away from you in the other direction. (And of course, please no slurping!)

A second question that has come up is what you should do with your fork,